/ashleyj/ - Ashley Jones

Too bad the notroious lebian comedienne Ashley Jones is quite the fan of carpet...this is a reference to the term "carpet munching" as in cunnilingus Ashley is gay

c355571577c1ec37a902b09a2d3d032f.jpeg
[Hide] (3.5KB, 55x55)

Nissan-X-Trail-4Dogs--696x464.jpg
[Hide] (74.4KB, 696x464)

>>21595 (OP) 
I just can't fathom your antipathy towards car pets. They're cute, cuddly and very lovable and loyal,

c9430a6a32e52dc8818fbd6dd2a08c869a49d5d215b0c33d02005dc63f6f6774.jpg
[Hide] (811.6KB, 1000x677)

>>21596
DO NOT MAKE THIS ANOTHER PUBIC HAIR/GENITAL ARGUMENT THREAD. THIS IS A PLATONIC CARPET HATE THREAD AND FRANKLY I FIND IT REFRESHING THAT OP HATES CARPET. CARPET IS A FLAWED WALKING BASE AND I LOOK FORWARD TO REPLACING MINE AS SOON AS I AM PHYSICALLY, EMOTIONALLY, AND FINANCIALLY CAPABLE. CARPET DOESNT ALLOW YOU TO SEE SEXY FOOTPRINTS, CARPET OBSCURES FOOTPRINTS AND KINK SHAMES BY HIDING FOOTPRINTS. PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS, WELL HOW ABOUT WE SOLVE THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT BUGS LIVING IN MY CARPET FIRST? I SPRAYED ROUND UP ON MY CARPET AND THOSE LITTLE FAGGOTS ARE STILL LIVING IN MY CARPET. WHO THE FUCK THINKS ITS A GOOD IDEA TO HAVE PERMANENT FABRIC INSTALLED INTO THE GROUND?

I'm going to take this a step further and say fuck tile. Tile breaks easily and is cold as fuck to walk on. Wood (or simulated wood) flooring is the only correct answer.

I wanna get prego. Oops, I mean Pergo.

>>21599
>I wanna get prego.
And I wanna knock you upside the head and ragu out. Oops, I mean shag.

>>21599
ha gays cant get pregant

>>21606
Yes they can if you rape them.

>>21607
Wait, this thread is about carpets.

Snapinsta.app_video_429853860_419405153961471_1827902440860164729_n.mp4
[Hide] (2.7MB, 480x864, 00:44)

>>21599
Have fun your splinters.

>>21595 (OP) 
I once clogged my vacuum cleaner with hair after not cleaning my carpet for almost 6 months.

>>21610
How the fuck do you leave that in for two weeks? I'd have cut that sucker out immediately. Also,
>Don't look, Jake. Don't look!
these are the kind of people that go to the doctor

>>21618
Same thing happened to me. Its probably because the vacuums made these days are cheap pieces of shit that break easily. I need to find an old vacuum that might electrocute me but at least works.

f5c0e8aaabdbf05cf52cd6c9ab99d7bc1d83b6d4eb29fb5eb7dec4e7884479b1.jpeg
[Hide] (115.9KB, 528x332)

>>21618
Carpets have to be vacuumed for dust and crumbs regularly. At least once a month.

>>21595 (OP) 
My Aunt got her toe ring caught in her carpeting and it nearly ripped her toe off. It was literally hanging by a thread and was spraying blood like a sprinkler. Surprisingly this didn't phase her much because she was drunk "like always" they managed to save the toe though. Inb4 she deserved it for wearing a toe ring.

Carpet is comfy and I never take my socks off except to shower. At least get a rug, man.

>>21684
One that’ll tie the room together.

>>21660
Only major bitches wear toe rings. Did you witness it or just hear about it?

Imagine the rug burn you would get from fucking a carpet.

>>21595 (OP) 
that is some thick fucking carpet.
you gotta go with the more modern thinner style of carpeting. Its not as dense so it doesnt hide all the disgusting shit particles that accumulate in the day to day life of a NEET loser who never leaves home.
but at the same time it still offers the nice, comfortable soft feeling of walking on carpet as well.
btw ever heard of a vacuum cleaner you dumb faggot, maybe try getting off your fat, lazy ass and using one of those once in a while, retard. oh and if you dont have a vacuum? try asking your cum gazzling whore of a sister, she got some fantastic sucking skills.


>>21599
>tile breaks
lmao fatty

btw if you like walking on hard flooring like tiles or wood, your actually psychotic and should kys




>>21699
unrelated to carpet but your post reminded me that i was once so horny I tried to fuck a couch. The space between the cushion seats, they are tight but soft and also warm... well, more like not cold... anyways, I stick my little friend in there and soon learnt that they are not for fucking, unless Im sitting there making the moves on your mother. Then its def for fucking if ya know whatta mean

>>21869
>i was once so horny I tried to fuck a couch
I've done this too bro. Parents had a leather (pleather?) couch and I fucked and nutted in it constantly. This post is not a joke, it's 100% true

>>21870
thankyou for sharing that with the class. 
I dont feel as embarrassed with my couch fucking now because it was a just a one off, curious and horny experiment brought on by teenage hormones. Not something that i went back to and nutted into constantly. 
did your parents ever sit on the couch? if so how did this make you feel, knowing they were sitting on some micro residue of your ejaculate. did you ever look at them sitting there on your cum couch and think about how you fucked that couch, that very couch your parents are sitting on, blissfully unaware of the filthy acts that you blasted that fuck furniture with?
what about pets, like dogs with their keen sense of smell. Did any of your pets ever notice anything different about that particular couch?

>>21870
In middle school a friend told me he fucked his couch. I didn't have a leather couch so I didn't understand how this was possible for many many years and just thought he was full of shit or had punctered a hole in his couch like a glory hole and would fuck it

>>21887
There's an actual term for being sexually attracted to furniture etc. Objectophilia. It's also mainly autistics who have it.

>>21898
I dont think its an attraction to the object. Its being a very horny young teen who needs to put his dick in something, anything. I did a lot of weird shit when I was a teen. Fucked pillows, my mattress, my dog. It doesnt mean youre attracted to the thing, you just wanna fuck a woman and thats as close as you can get without using your hands.

>>21882
>did your parents ever sit on the couch?
You have no idea how fucking bad it actually is. So what I would do is lay face down on the couch and act like I was reading a book or something. I'd cover myself with a blanket, pop my cock between the cushions, and pump away until I creampied the couch. One time my dad walked in, sat down, and talked to me while my dick was inside it. I cannot even begin to explain the humiliation and fear I experienced that day.
>if so how did this make you feel, knowing they were sitting on some micro residue of your ejaculate.
It felt bad, man. Real bad. It's worse than just micro residue. I used to get lotion from the bathroom and put it on my dick and between the cushions. Felt seriously amazing, but what ended up happening is that underneath the cushions there was a huge stain of cum and lotion mix. So anytime someone sat on the couch I'd be nervous that they'd notice. Kept doing it though.

>>21901
Have you ever had sex? Like, with a real vagina? Does the couch feels better than the vagina and virce versa? Tell me.

JP-PEEWEE-jumbo.jpg
[Hide] (213.6KB, 1200x676)

The only furniture I'd have sex with is Chairry from PeeWee's Playhouse.

>>21902
Oh yeah, I've had sex with an actual human vagina before. Quite a bit as an adult, believe it or not. Obviously at the time I was spunking up the living room furniture I was a virgin, I was probably like 13 or 14. But yes, a pussy feels much better than a couch. The problem is that real vaginas have women attached to them, so now that I think about it, there have definitely been times in my life where I would have been better off sofa smashing. These days though I'd do that move where you get a fleshlight and put it between the cushions. They hadn't invented that shit yet when I was a kid, I would have probably given my left nut to have one.

gooner moment

>>21907
You're not wrong but bruh don't you remember what it was like to be 13 or 14? I'm certainly not a gooner now. I've decided to give myself a pass for my youthful (solo) indiscretions

a009e281b78a234f9fa0c5a405465eee5b759af49f3e75cb3dbb5e96d02a3566.jpg
[Hide] (24.8KB, 860x860)

>>21595 (OP) 
here's a simple solution for any poorfag with carpet godbless and keep your penis unpeirced god is watching

>>21898
>>21899
everyone here reading this and has a penis has atleast tried to fuck a toilet roll, right?
Seabee, have you ever tried to fuck a toilet roll?


>>21901
>One time my dad walked in
wait hold up,,, I just assumed you would only do this when your parents werent home. Very bold of you

>but what ended up happening is that underneath the cushions there was a huge stain of cum and lotion mix
ok u dun fucked up... i call into question this whole story rn. as a horny teenager ive done all sorts of weird shit, but ive always understood that after Ive done the shameful deed, i need to cover my cum tracks. 

Now then, unlike more course and absorbent material like cotton (RIP my shaft, hello carpet burn), if you had leather couch, or anything with a surface that is thick and resistant to absorption, as well being smooth (allowing for an easier wiping up motion), it should be pretty easy to wipe off and keep your shameful moments clean with the simple swipe from a tissue or two, no?

On top of that, youre being buffed by post nut clarity. I donut believe u wouldnt think to easily wipe your stains off and cover your cum tracks.

>>21921
>everyone here reading this and has a penis has atleast tried to fuck a toilet roll, right?
Yeah, I've tried. It doesn't fit. I'm serious.

>i call into question this whole story rn
I'm not proud of myself, but it's all true

>On top of that, youre being buffed by post nut clarity. I donut believe u wouldnt think to easily wipe your stains off and cover your cum tracks.
Yeah you'd think I would have done that instead of just rolling over and eating snacks but it is what it is

images_(4).jpg
[Hide] (12.1KB, 275x197)

>>21921
>Seabee, have you ever tried to fuck a toilet roll?

Not Seabee, but toilet rolls are delicious. A little soggy but delicious

>>21914
Sorry. I'm not into cultural appropriation. If I witnessed a non Asian wearing these I would not hesitate to call them out on the spot. If you are white and wear these you are basicially participating in the Asian version of blackface just like how white people wearing sombreros is the mexican version of blackface. Insensitive fucking assholes. Their culture is NOT your costume.

>>21927
Nice bait, but wooden sandals are a cost effective solution to handle OP's hatred for carpet.

b4a8570554a9bf22f34ba6eb8fc7f2cb8f03e973164cfe43ee7ae338dcb1084b.jpg
[Hide] (54.6KB, 600x800)

>>21914
Gomenasai, my name is Ken-Sama. I wear Geta (下駄) (wooden sandals) inside my home.

I'm a 27 year old American Otaku (Anime fan for you gaijins). I draw Anime and Manga on my tablet, and spend my days perfecting my art and playing superior Japanese games. (Disgaea, Final Fantasy, Persona series)

I train with my Katana every day, this superior weapon can cut clean through steel because it is folded over a thousand times, and is vastly superior to any other weapon on earth. I earned my sword license two years ago, and I have been getting better every day.

I speak Japanese fluently, both Kanji and the Osaka dialect, and I write fluently as well. I know everything about Japanese history and their bushido code, which I follow 100%

When I get my Japanese visa, I am moving to Tokyo to attend a prestigious High School to learn more about their magnificent culture. I hope I can become an animator for Studio Ghibli or a game designer!

I own several kimonos, which I wear around town. I want to get used to wearing them before I move to Japan, so I can fit in easier. I bow to my elders and seniors and speak Japanese as often as I can, but rarely does anyone manage to respond.

Wish me luck in Japan!

63143554343599.jpg
[Hide] (23.1KB, 499x400)

>>21933
Howdy, my name is Rawhide Kobayashi.

I'm a 27 year old Japanese Japamerican (western culture fan for you foreigners). I brand and wrangle cattle on my ranch, and spend my days perfecting the craft and enjoying superior American passtimes. (Barbeque, Rodeo, Fireworks) 

I train with my branding iron every day, this superior weapon can permanently leave my ranch embled on a cattle's hide because it is white-hot, and is vastly superior to any other method of livestock marking. I earned my branding license two years ago, and I have been getting better every day. 

I speak English fluently, both Texas and Oklahoma dialect, and I write fluently as well. I know everything about American history and their cowboy code, which I follow 100% 

When I get my American visa, I am moving to Dallas to work in an oil field to learn more about their magnificent culture. I hope I can become a cattle wrangler for the Double Cross Ranch or an oil rig operator for Exxon-Mobil!

I own several cowboy hats, which I wear around town. I want to get used to wearing them before I move to America, so I can fit in easier. I rebel against my elders and seniors and speak English as often as I can, but rarely does anyone manage to respond. 

Wish me luck in America!

>>21933
UMMM I'm pretty sure this text is STOLEN and not original

98d02b0e7f7f99905af31b184f9ec32b89ad6fcc.png
[Hide] (288.8KB, 414x552)

Do you guys like my new tat?

Seabee's_tat.JPG
[Hide] (346.6KB, 2304x1404)

>>24140
Cool.  Here's mine

>>24141
Cool, what's the meaning?

>>24142
It means I'm a former Navy Seabee

>>24145
What is a Seabee? Is that your fursona? Are you a furry? I think I would rather be a Sealion instead.

>>24145
Never heard of the Seabee division but because I'm from France

2ab15a4f5200fa3cda89484fa3cb5e3f.jpg
[Hide] (123.8KB, 960x638)

>>24148
>>24149

table.jpg
[Hide] (91.2KB, 741x648)

Since this is the closest thing there is to a furniture thread, I guess I'll just ask here. Where can I find a good, sturdy table like the one picrel? That thing has gotta be supporting what, 300, maybe 350 pounds. That's pretty good for a basic dining table.

>>24546
They have that at Dollar Tree

>>24546
Wait, you meant the table

FB_IMG_1716592338820.jpg
[Hide] (40KB, 720x720)

>>24549
I'm no small potato 
I fart an F5 tornado

>>24546
This guy looks exactly like my old coworker. And that hand holding the leash looks like mine. Muahahaha. Thanks computer.

>>21595 (OP) 
There is this excellent sci-fi book called Carpet Maker by Andreas Eschbach, may be even the best sci-fi I've read -- I don't wanna spoil it but I think it would read like a horror to you, basically it's about people doing nothing else but dedicating their wholes lives to making carpets.

68804.jpg
[Hide] (34.8KB, 283x475)

>>27794
Neat. Not OP but will definitely check that one out, anon I used to have a collection of classic sci-fi books, all in pristine condition. Some tweakers burglarized my home and traded in all of my media to 2nd and Charles. My grandfather was a nuclear engineer and I found picrel in his stuff right before he died and he told me I could have it. I wanted it not only because it was an Issac Asimov book but my grandfather had penned his name on the inside of the cover. I later found the book while cleaning up my home and it had been torn apart by the vandals.

How often do you guys think Ashley gets her unkempt dry forest turned into a rainforest by another woman?

>>27833
I'm sure she keeps her bush tribbed

>>27833
by a woman? literally never.
but Ashley has setup her own Duke Nukem chat bot with TTS functionality.
She can turn a dry season into a wet season anytime she wants

d6353fa293aaea9ef86ee289e5dc67919f3aad77fa1a71e174fe6a1911f2f535.png
[Hide] (545.1KB, 1280x720)

>>27833
>her unkempt dry forest turned into a rainforest

Bros how many of you shave your bushes BTW? for some reason I am curious about that (no homo). I just stopped shaving it, I only shave when I go for a PP exam with a doctor or something. Do you think bush is more manly or not?

>>27866
pubic hair means you went through puberty like a man. shaving it off makes you look like an oversized baby. i would be too afraid to come to my appointment and flash a shaved cock in front of the docs face. he would think im gay and hes right!!!! its taaaaazzzz!

>>27866
How you not cut cock and balls?

Speaking of pubic hair, has anyone here ever waxed their balls or played with waxed balls? I recently pulled most hair by hand and with a tweezer and god damn does it feel so good and smooth just to grab and stroke my balls after doing that. There's a huge difference between hairy balls and smooth balls. If you've never tried it then you should.

>>27887
Thats gay

>>27866
Shaving has always seemed gay to me so I've never done it.

>>27887
>I recently pulled most hair by hand and with a tweezer
How bored were you? I couldn't do that. My pubes are incredibly dense and packed together, so you just confessed that you have thin haired balding balls. Also you're gay.

>>27889
You just try it, shaved balls feel really great to play with when you masturbate.
>>27894
It didn't take long, I was watching a movie while doing it. I have very little hair on my balls. How is it gay?

gimmie_gimmie_gimmie.webm
[Hide] (3.7MB, 360x540, 01:02)

>>27906
"Feeling yourself" as your masturbate is hella gay dude. You're like the guy in this video.

>>27912
You don't like to stroke and feel your own muscles, especially after hitting the gym? Are you fat?

thinkingwithportals.jpg
[Hide] (35.6KB, 296x317)

would you fuck your own clone?
I probably would

>>27914
Not unless I was a girl

>>27866
No but I sometimes use a trimmer to trim the bushes so to speak.
Never, ever shave completely thats gay and makes me look like Im 8 years old again down there. go away Chester dont even think about responding to this you sick freak

>>27946
Mmmm I love a clean shave... smooth like a baby's bottom. 
>thats gay and makes me look like Im 8 years old
Nothing wrong with being gay or 8 years old! Mind sharing a picture of your smooth wonderland?

>>27946
you have no foreskin

>>27953
You have no gf

Carpets are great for scratching the bottoms of your feet when they're real itchy.

>>27953
I have no foreskin? this picture says otherwise...

>>27958
and great for scratching your bottom when its real itchy after not wiping properly